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Princess PalacePrincess is as Princess does. Baby Steps to Big Things I've been afraid, every time I try to lose this excess 100 pounds around my stomach, of failing. Afraid to start something that (again) I won't have the strength to finish. But in the last few weeks, there's been a resolve in my spirit that hasn't been there before; a toughness I haven't seen in myself in... years. I dare say perhaps a decade or more. Perhaps I am suddenly just resigned to the fact that this is how it is; that it's going to be hard. It's going to take sacrifce. It's going to suck at times. But I can do it. I'm not good at believing in myself. I never have been. But I've been taking little steps. Making healthy eating choices. Going outside and walking even when I don't feel like it. Staying away from the pastries at work. The little steps are adding up to me feeling better about myself. Tonight I went out for a 50 minute walk, and when I came home I was hot and sweaty and hungry, but also... happy. I felt like a glowed a little. And that's unusual for me. So, I'm moving forward, literally, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other, until I get there. Until I hit 150 pounds, or something around there that feels good. I think I might actually have a chance this time. The Warmest Love It's been a rough few days. Crying bouts off and on, self hatred at an all-time high, self-mutilation scenarios and images running through my head, general exhuastion. It all came to a head last night, as I spent over an hour in the arms of my husband, crying and talking, and confessing (I'd been secretly starving myself for the last 6+ weeks in a failed attempt to lose weight).
Everytime I go through one of these meltdowns my anxiety soars and the frightened little girls in me shrieks "This is it! This is going to be the last straw for him! He's going to leave your ass for sure, now!".... but it never happens. If anything, (and Lord knows I don't know how he does it) he gets MORE loving, MORE accepting, MORE gentle and kind with each breakdown, and holds me longer, talks less, listens better, shows greaters empathy. He amazes me.
This morning I woke up and all I could think about were those strong, warm, tender arms, and the way the Love of God radiates out of my husband and into me when he holds me. It's the safest place in the world. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to go out into the big bad world all alone. I just wanted to curl up into those soft, loving arms and know that I was safe. Not only am I safe from the bad guys, but I'm also safe from rejection. He knows my secrets. He loves me anyway. And THAT... wow.... that blows my mind. Even now, 24 hours later, I can still feel the warmth of his embrace. I crave it more than I've ever craved any sweet thing to eat or any material possession, because it represents something I've waited my whole life to have; a Home. A Safe Place.
He worries that there's nothing he can do for me in these bouts of deep depression but pray for me. But what he doesn't know is that his Love, the Love of God that he allows to flow through him, into me, does so much already. It gives me a foundation. Something to stand on. Something to lean on; something I know is there to hold me up. Most importantly, a reason to keep going, to not give into the thoughts, images and ideas screaming through my head.... a reason not to hurt myself. Because I need to keep myself whole for this Love. This precious gift from God. At a time in my life when I feel mostly deserted from God, and am fighting not to be angry about everything going on in my head, it's the Love that He's given me in my life that reminds me that He is there, and He must love me, to give me such a beautiful gift.... Thank you, Jesus, for my husband; my soulmate, my bestfriend, my lover, my Safe Place, my Home. Summer Vacation It was the last day of school. I was talking to her teacher when I felt her body hit me at warp speed, small little arms wrapping around my waist tightly, her beautiful face buried in my shirt.
"I love you, Mother," she murmered into me before letting go and running over to a friend to say goodbye. I could tell by the voluntary public affection that the reality of this being the last day of Grade 2 had hit her a little between the eyes, and she needed her Mommy, but just didn't know how to say it. I gathered her friend's phone numbers so we could make playdates during the summer, and we piled up all the papers, school work and her report card and made our way to the car.
I had prepared myself to have to drag out a crying, upset little girl, and instead she was singing her way to the car. Confusing me.
"You seem happier than I thought you'd be today." I said, swinging her hand, loving the contact with her, marvelling at how pretty she looked with her new Fuschia Funk (pink) hair.
"Keegan sad." she said in that silly baby voice that drives me crazy, and grabbed my arm even tighter, and I realized my little girl was probably just putting on a brave face. Okay then, we're going on with The Plan. Off to the coffee shop we went.
I took her to the local coffee shop down the road where they serve her favourite Green Tea drinks... of course, being who she is, she wanted to try something completely different, and that was fine with me. We each got a milkshakey-type-thingy and she picked us a nice table under a lamp and we sat down and talked about her Last Day and some plans for the summer.
We laughed. I tucked Fuschia hair behind her ears. She was determined to finish her drink before me, while simultaneously trying to convince me it "wasn't a race" (she won the race). I stared at her. She curled up on my lap and asked me to wrap my arms around her and she said I was nice and warm. I think I was safe. In an uncertain time, when you don't know what to do, or where to go, a Mother's arms are a safe haven. I felt unbelieveably blessed to still be that safe place for her; to hold her and be so very proud of her and all she's accomplished in the last five months... how much she's matured, grown, learned about herself... to see all that and know that I am a little part of it. Wow. It was one of the most amazing hours of my life. I looked into her eyes and saw a beautiful young woman staring back at me. Not beautiful because of the big brown eyes, or the pretty pink and auburn hair, or the little freckles, or the button nose... those are all things that make her outside beautiful. But if something happened and I went blind, she would still be the most beautiful person in the world to me because of her giggle, the way she holds my hand, her kindness to others, her gentleness, her sense of humour, her uniqueness, her keen intelligence... everything that makes her... Keegan. My baby. My miracle. My princess. Now, my PUNK Princess. *lol*
Summer vacation has never filled me with so much joy. Yes, we will have to figure out babysitting and schedules. This will be one of the first summers I will be working, and that presents a series of challenges. But when I get home, everyday, I will have a special little person waiting for me with open arms, and I can't wait to spend the next two months playing cards, Scattergories, having snuggle-reading times on the couch, watching movies, going for nature walks, and just doing all the things we haven't had time to do together.
Thank you, Jesus, again, for my little girl. :) Moving Onward I visited my pyschiatrist today, and we agreed that I will keep my medications as they are for now; the pros outweigh the cons at this point. While I am numb and wish I could feel a little more upbeat towards life in general, I am maintaining a fulltime job, a marraige, and a household relatively well, and there's something to be said for that. Of course, there is a voice inside of me I am trying to quiet that wants to jump up and down in protest and scream "It's not fair! I shouldn't have to sacrifice my personal happiness for a job or home stability! I should be allowed to be ME!!!" .... but that voice is also the voice that tries to hurt me when I listen to it, so... I'm telling it to shut up at the moment, and trying to move forward in dignity and not despair.
In other news, I am currently experiencing my fourth bladder/kidney infection in about 2 years. I have a sneaky feeling the medication the doctor at the Walk-In gave me on Sunday didn't do the trick (took the last one tonight) and it's still hanging around. So tonight I'm gagging down cranberry cocktail (YUCK!) and praying I won't have to go on the stronger course of antibiotics, which make me very ill. I'm also not drinking any yummy drinks at work, because I've heard infections love sugar, so I'm trying not to give it anything to feed off of. Besides, it'll be good for my wasteline.
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to get up a bit earlier than usual and start my day off with a devotional for the first time in .... forever. It's life's little idea of a joke that I should feel the need to do this at a time in my life when I get up at 3:30am already ... now I guess we're going to make it 3:15am. Good grief. I'm going to attempt it, anyway. If I just can't get out of bed, I just had the idea that I could do it on my first coffee break at 7am, since it's 15 minutes long, and I'm never doing anything but sitting there, anyway. I can just pack the book along with me and do it in the big comfy chairs. I really do need to find my small Bible, though, too, so I could pack that along.
I remember how peaceful and joyful I used to be when I started every day out talking to God, or reading my Bible, or singing, or just hanging out in His presence. I really miss that. And I could sure use it right now. It takes an effort, on my part. Sometimes it feels like I've got nothing left to give; no more in me to give to one more thing, but if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't even be here, and, as Father's Day reminded me, I do have some pretty awesome presents from him ..... a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, good friends, and many other things. So 15 minutes a day to say "Thanks!" shouldn't really be that big of a deal.
:)
Yeah, that's what I figure, anyway. That's the plan.
The Pros and Cons of Numbness Thank you, my friends, for taking the time to read, comment, and care. The common theme seems to be taking time and doing something for myself. I can tell you in the rare spare time I do get to myself, I have recently been catching up on my Laurell K Hamilton books, thanks to the public library. I am now all caught up in both the Anita Blake Series (except for the very newest book which the library doesn't have yet) and the Meredith Grey Series, and I am both happy and saddened about that. Happy that I was wisked away into her make-believe worlds of vampires, lycans, faeries, ogres, and the like, but also sad that I now have to sit around and wait for her to write more books in both the series. But anyway, I have been doing some reading in my spare time, and escaping to imaginary worlds, and coming out calmer, and ... wishing I was a werejaguar. *grin*....... *purrrrrr* ...... That's what I've been doing for me.
Now onto today's post. I have been thinking alot the last week about the numbness I'm experiencing. With every medication I take, after awhile, there comes a time when it seems to build up in my brain, or something, and I just get outrageously numb. Bad things can happen around me and I won't react to them much. Good things can happen around me, and I won't react much. Of course, this is the point of the medication; to make me less reactive to outside stimuli, so I can function on a daily level, but when too much of the numbness creeps in I begin to feel emotionless altogether, and I don't like that. I didn't sign up for having all joy removed from my life. Or pain, for that matter. A little bit of happiness and sorrow is expected and normal in everyone's life. The medicine is just suppose to keep me from feeling like everything is either the end of the world, or that I'm going to spin out of control with weirdness/hyperness.
Well, it's working! A little too well. And originally, when I knew I was going to be seeing my psychiatrist next week I thought I better talk to him about this and possibly change meds (a very physically and emotionally draining task), or change my dose, or do something about this... but then I started to reflect on my work situation and my home life and what this medication (and the resulting numbness) is actually doing for me, and now I don't know what to do. So I decided to take a look at the Pros and Cons of the Numbness with you all, and see what you think. As always, your comments are welcome, and appreciated, as I will be seeing my doctor in 4 days.
Pros of Numbness ~ I am working at a high-paced, demanding job. Starbucks is crazy busy. I'm serving hundreds of people a day, sometimes more than 30 people in a half an hour through the drive thru. I need to be in control of my emotions, and not react to people snapping orders at me, customers complaining, or me making mistakes, all of which happen regularily, and all of which, without a certain amount of numbness, I would have a hard time not crying, or getting angry. Now, it just rolls off my back, I say "Okay", or "I'm sorry", and just keep on going, with hardly a ripple in my spirit... no more soul-wrenching sadness or sense of doom.
I am working 38 hours a week at Starbucks and anywhere from 8 to 16+ hours at Addition Elle, and besides my back being sore, and being a little tired, I'm fine. Last year, before the Topomax, I couldn't work more than 20 hours a week without completely falling apart, and every little confrontation or speculation on my part tortured me. Now, do I wish I had more time with my daughter? Of course. Do I wish I had more time with my husband? More of the housework done? More time to read? Of course I do. But that's not what the issue is. What I'm talking about is, the work itself isn't killing me. Part of it is the company of Starbucks; getting a break every two hours, their policy of having respect and dignity for their employees... and part of it is that I have great people to work with, and I have fun, and I laugh, and I can act a little goofy, and be... a little... "me". I feel like it's relatively safe to be most of who I am there. And that makes it easier. And that's part of the Pros of the numbness, too; the removal of fear. Usually I would be terrified of rejection. Now I don't care as much. That's huge for me.
All of the benefits I've described for work, also translate into my home life, and particularily into my marraige. My marraige is a much more peaceful thing since I have just stopped fighting the little things that don't really matter, but have started standing up for the things that do. Our working realtionship in the business is running smoother, our co-parenting is running smoother, everything is calmer, because I'm not a control freak anymore. The numbness has taken the urgency that THIS MUST BE DONE MY WAY!! mostly out of me, and now I just think before I speak "Will it matter in a year? No? Then who cares..." and I just let it go. Anyone who has been around my husband and I for any length of time will know this is a MOMENTOUS change in me which could not have been made without medical intervention!!! *lol* Now I can concentrate on loving my husband, and all the things that are great about him, instead of nit-picking about the things that drive me crazy. Because now they don't.
The same can be said of my daughter. I don't get upset over trivial things, and I think I'm a better mother for that. It helps me enjoy her company more. I'm just more relaxed.
Cons of Numbness ~ I think the number one Con has got to be that it's hard to summon up emotion for things. My emotions are very flat-lined, and so I don't feel a lot of excitement, joy, things like that. It makes it hard to want to make plans with people, get on the phone and talk to people, because what do you say? They ask how are you and I say "Fine." They ask what have you been doing? "Working, and sleeping." ... I just don't really want to talk to anyone or spend any time with anyone, and while part of me really misses some of my friends, mostly I'm so numb it feels like it just doesn't matter. But of course it does... once I come out of this medical stupor, if I ever do, if I'm friendless, I'll be devestated.
The emotionlessness doesn't just effect my friendships, it's broad-sweeping. I sometimes wonder if I love my husband, but of course I do. I sometimes wonder if my daughter would miss me if I wasn't here, but of course she would. It creeps into my work ethic and I sometimes don't do my 100% best, but then I catch myself and put a stop to that, because I've always prided myself on having an excellent work ethic. The only Pro to be emotionless is that it's harder to get really depressed, but in a way, it already feels like I'm there. It feels like this is a low-grade depression I'm just kind of stewing in, and once in a while, someone stirs the pot, and I get hit with a chunk of Happy, or a splash of Goofy or a sliver of Sadness.
Of course, all this leads to the thing that bothers me the most about being numb: the loss of self. All my life, I've been the "over-emotional one". While I don't like that title, it does describe me well. I cry at commercials, I am extremely empathetic, I get angry at morons easily, I can be moody and be prone to heavy, long depressions. I know all this about me. Without medication, I'm a wreck. So, I take a little bit of medication to tone myself down a bit, so I'm a little less DRAMATIC, but still myself.
But right now, I don't feel like myself. And that bothers me. What bothers me MORE, though, is the knowledge, that "myself" can't hold down two jobs, and "myself" can't keep a peaceful home life going for long, so.... we come full circle. See the dilemna??
This has always been an open forum, Faithful Readers. Please Comment and give your two cents about the Pros and Cons... Thank you so much for your love and support over the years. Much love.... ~~Shiray~~
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