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The Warmest Love It's been a rough few days. Crying bouts off and on, self hatred at an all-time high, self-mutilation scenarios and images running through my head, general exhuastion. It all came to a head last night, as I spent over an hour in the arms of my husband, crying and talking, and confessing (I'd been secretly starving myself for the last 6+ weeks in a failed attempt to lose weight).
Everytime I go through one of these meltdowns my anxiety soars and the frightened little girls in me shrieks "This is it! This is going to be the last straw for him! He's going to leave your ass for sure, now!".... but it never happens. If anything, (and Lord knows I don't know how he does it) he gets MORE loving, MORE accepting, MORE gentle and kind with each breakdown, and holds me longer, talks less, listens better, shows greaters empathy. He amazes me.
This morning I woke up and all I could think about were those strong, warm, tender arms, and the way the Love of God radiates out of my husband and into me when he holds me. It's the safest place in the world. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to go out into the big bad world all alone. I just wanted to curl up into those soft, loving arms and know that I was safe. Not only am I safe from the bad guys, but I'm also safe from rejection. He knows my secrets. He loves me anyway. And THAT... wow.... that blows my mind. Even now, 24 hours later, I can still feel the warmth of his embrace. I crave it more than I've ever craved any sweet thing to eat or any material possession, because it represents something I've waited my whole life to have; a Home. A Safe Place.
He worries that there's nothing he can do for me in these bouts of deep depression but pray for me. But what he doesn't know is that his Love, the Love of God that he allows to flow through him, into me, does so much already. It gives me a foundation. Something to stand on. Something to lean on; something I know is there to hold me up. Most importantly, a reason to keep going, to not give into the thoughts, images and ideas screaming through my head.... a reason not to hurt myself. Because I need to keep myself whole for this Love. This precious gift from God. At a time in my life when I feel mostly deserted from God, and am fighting not to be angry about everything going on in my head, it's the Love that He's given me in my life that reminds me that He is there, and He must love me, to give me such a beautiful gift.... Thank you, Jesus, for my husband; my soulmate, my bestfriend, my lover, my Safe Place, my Home. TrackbacksThe trackback URL for this entry is: http://princessshiray1975.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!76AF7A5ADE366BE3!355.trak Weblogs that reference this entry
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