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Moving Onward I visited my pyschiatrist today, and we agreed that I will keep my medications as they are for now; the pros outweigh the cons at this point. While I am numb and wish I could feel a little more upbeat towards life in general, I am maintaining a fulltime job, a marraige, and a household relatively well, and there's something to be said for that. Of course, there is a voice inside of me I am trying to quiet that wants to jump up and down in protest and scream "It's not fair! I shouldn't have to sacrifice my personal happiness for a job or home stability! I should be allowed to be ME!!!" .... but that voice is also the voice that tries to hurt me when I listen to it, so... I'm telling it to shut up at the moment, and trying to move forward in dignity and not despair.
In other news, I am currently experiencing my fourth bladder/kidney infection in about 2 years. I have a sneaky feeling the medication the doctor at the Walk-In gave me on Sunday didn't do the trick (took the last one tonight) and it's still hanging around. So tonight I'm gagging down cranberry cocktail (YUCK!) and praying I won't have to go on the stronger course of antibiotics, which make me very ill. I'm also not drinking any yummy drinks at work, because I've heard infections love sugar, so I'm trying not to give it anything to feed off of. Besides, it'll be good for my wasteline.
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to get up a bit earlier than usual and start my day off with a devotional for the first time in .... forever. It's life's little idea of a joke that I should feel the need to do this at a time in my life when I get up at 3:30am already ... now I guess we're going to make it 3:15am. Good grief. I'm going to attempt it, anyway. If I just can't get out of bed, I just had the idea that I could do it on my first coffee break at 7am, since it's 15 minutes long, and I'm never doing anything but sitting there, anyway. I can just pack the book along with me and do it in the big comfy chairs. I really do need to find my small Bible, though, too, so I could pack that along.
I remember how peaceful and joyful I used to be when I started every day out talking to God, or reading my Bible, or singing, or just hanging out in His presence. I really miss that. And I could sure use it right now. It takes an effort, on my part. Sometimes it feels like I've got nothing left to give; no more in me to give to one more thing, but if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't even be here, and, as Father's Day reminded me, I do have some pretty awesome presents from him ..... a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, good friends, and many other things. So 15 minutes a day to say "Thanks!" shouldn't really be that big of a deal.
:)
Yeah, that's what I figure, anyway. That's the plan.
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