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The Pros and Cons of Numbness Thank you, my friends, for taking the time to read, comment, and care. The common theme seems to be taking time and doing something for myself. I can tell you in the rare spare time I do get to myself, I have recently been catching up on my Laurell K Hamilton books, thanks to the public library. I am now all caught up in both the Anita Blake Series (except for the very newest book which the library doesn't have yet) and the Meredith Grey Series, and I am both happy and saddened about that. Happy that I was wisked away into her make-believe worlds of vampires, lycans, faeries, ogres, and the like, but also sad that I now have to sit around and wait for her to write more books in both the series. But anyway, I have been doing some reading in my spare time, and escaping to imaginary worlds, and coming out calmer, and ... wishing I was a werejaguar. *grin*....... *purrrrrr* ...... That's what I've been doing for me.
Now onto today's post. I have been thinking alot the last week about the numbness I'm experiencing. With every medication I take, after awhile, there comes a time when it seems to build up in my brain, or something, and I just get outrageously numb. Bad things can happen around me and I won't react to them much. Good things can happen around me, and I won't react much. Of course, this is the point of the medication; to make me less reactive to outside stimuli, so I can function on a daily level, but when too much of the numbness creeps in I begin to feel emotionless altogether, and I don't like that. I didn't sign up for having all joy removed from my life. Or pain, for that matter. A little bit of happiness and sorrow is expected and normal in everyone's life. The medicine is just suppose to keep me from feeling like everything is either the end of the world, or that I'm going to spin out of control with weirdness/hyperness.
Well, it's working! A little too well. And originally, when I knew I was going to be seeing my psychiatrist next week I thought I better talk to him about this and possibly change meds (a very physically and emotionally draining task), or change my dose, or do something about this... but then I started to reflect on my work situation and my home life and what this medication (and the resulting numbness) is actually doing for me, and now I don't know what to do. So I decided to take a look at the Pros and Cons of the Numbness with you all, and see what you think. As always, your comments are welcome, and appreciated, as I will be seeing my doctor in 4 days.
Pros of Numbness ~ I am working at a high-paced, demanding job. Starbucks is crazy busy. I'm serving hundreds of people a day, sometimes more than 30 people in a half an hour through the drive thru. I need to be in control of my emotions, and not react to people snapping orders at me, customers complaining, or me making mistakes, all of which happen regularily, and all of which, without a certain amount of numbness, I would have a hard time not crying, or getting angry. Now, it just rolls off my back, I say "Okay", or "I'm sorry", and just keep on going, with hardly a ripple in my spirit... no more soul-wrenching sadness or sense of doom.
I am working 38 hours a week at Starbucks and anywhere from 8 to 16+ hours at Addition Elle, and besides my back being sore, and being a little tired, I'm fine. Last year, before the Topomax, I couldn't work more than 20 hours a week without completely falling apart, and every little confrontation or speculation on my part tortured me. Now, do I wish I had more time with my daughter? Of course. Do I wish I had more time with my husband? More of the housework done? More time to read? Of course I do. But that's not what the issue is. What I'm talking about is, the work itself isn't killing me. Part of it is the company of Starbucks; getting a break every two hours, their policy of having respect and dignity for their employees... and part of it is that I have great people to work with, and I have fun, and I laugh, and I can act a little goofy, and be... a little... "me". I feel like it's relatively safe to be most of who I am there. And that makes it easier. And that's part of the Pros of the numbness, too; the removal of fear. Usually I would be terrified of rejection. Now I don't care as much. That's huge for me.
All of the benefits I've described for work, also translate into my home life, and particularily into my marraige. My marraige is a much more peaceful thing since I have just stopped fighting the little things that don't really matter, but have started standing up for the things that do. Our working realtionship in the business is running smoother, our co-parenting is running smoother, everything is calmer, because I'm not a control freak anymore. The numbness has taken the urgency that THIS MUST BE DONE MY WAY!! mostly out of me, and now I just think before I speak "Will it matter in a year? No? Then who cares..." and I just let it go. Anyone who has been around my husband and I for any length of time will know this is a MOMENTOUS change in me which could not have been made without medical intervention!!! *lol* Now I can concentrate on loving my husband, and all the things that are great about him, instead of nit-picking about the things that drive me crazy. Because now they don't.
The same can be said of my daughter. I don't get upset over trivial things, and I think I'm a better mother for that. It helps me enjoy her company more. I'm just more relaxed.
Cons of Numbness ~ I think the number one Con has got to be that it's hard to summon up emotion for things. My emotions are very flat-lined, and so I don't feel a lot of excitement, joy, things like that. It makes it hard to want to make plans with people, get on the phone and talk to people, because what do you say? They ask how are you and I say "Fine." They ask what have you been doing? "Working, and sleeping." ... I just don't really want to talk to anyone or spend any time with anyone, and while part of me really misses some of my friends, mostly I'm so numb it feels like it just doesn't matter. But of course it does... once I come out of this medical stupor, if I ever do, if I'm friendless, I'll be devestated.
The emotionlessness doesn't just effect my friendships, it's broad-sweeping. I sometimes wonder if I love my husband, but of course I do. I sometimes wonder if my daughter would miss me if I wasn't here, but of course she would. It creeps into my work ethic and I sometimes don't do my 100% best, but then I catch myself and put a stop to that, because I've always prided myself on having an excellent work ethic. The only Pro to be emotionless is that it's harder to get really depressed, but in a way, it already feels like I'm there. It feels like this is a low-grade depression I'm just kind of stewing in, and once in a while, someone stirs the pot, and I get hit with a chunk of Happy, or a splash of Goofy or a sliver of Sadness.
Of course, all this leads to the thing that bothers me the most about being numb: the loss of self. All my life, I've been the "over-emotional one". While I don't like that title, it does describe me well. I cry at commercials, I am extremely empathetic, I get angry at morons easily, I can be moody and be prone to heavy, long depressions. I know all this about me. Without medication, I'm a wreck. So, I take a little bit of medication to tone myself down a bit, so I'm a little less DRAMATIC, but still myself.
But right now, I don't feel like myself. And that bothers me. What bothers me MORE, though, is the knowledge, that "myself" can't hold down two jobs, and "myself" can't keep a peaceful home life going for long, so.... we come full circle. See the dilemna??
This has always been an open forum, Faithful Readers. Please Comment and give your two cents about the Pros and Cons... Thank you so much for your love and support over the years. Much love.... ~~Shiray~~ Comments (1)
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